Urinary Tracks

Maybe we all have stories like this. Maybe not. I just know that Linda at Nutsrok  has thrown down the challenge, and I reluctantly accept.standing up

Freud’s theory of penis envy is that “female adolescents experience anxiety upon realization that they do not have a penis.”

For me, this happened much sooner. I wanted to pee standing up. Still do.

As children of free-range parents, we were expected to be outside, only to return for meals and bedtime.

Using the bathroom was a challenge for the very few girls in our neighborhood.

The boys would disappear behind a tree, a backyard shed, a spot in the alley. Some homes had stationary tubs or cement drains, providing quick relief just beyond a cellar door. No parent was the wiser.

I had to go inside, to the second floor, passing by an adult; trying to avoid a surprise household chore or questions about my activity. It took too long, was hardly fair, and I noticed.

It did not end in childhood.

Fast forward 20 years. Our VW bus broke down as we were headed to sand dunes in central Utah known as Little Sahara. My husband drove his dirt bike to the nearest town/pay phone, 50 miles back.

I stayed behind with the bus, parked on a desert road with little or no traffic. Some time passed.  I spotted a small piece of sagebrush at the top of a hill and figured it looked like a safe place to seek relief.

At that moment, a parade of 80-100 Hell’s Angels drove by on their way to an event at those same dunes. I ducked behind the shrub, praying to go unnoticed. The tow truck arrived minutes later.

Another memorable event happened a few years later, in a snowstorm, in northern Michigan.

We were with friends on a weekend snowmobile outing. Beers happened.

We had been out on the trails a while when I knew I was in trouble. I lagged behind a bit, seeking privacy.

There was 4-5 ft of snow accumulation on the ground, so that wouldn’t work. I had to climb a tree. I saw the one I needed.

Now, a snowmobile suit is much like those snowsuits that kids wear…one piece, zipped up the middle. The male anatomy would have been so welcome in this situation.

There is no need to picture this scenario further. It happened. Unzipped, in a tree, in a snowstorm. I was much younger and way more flexible.

Life has never been boring, even as regards bodily functions.

I could talk about a few more…but I really need to be excused.

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32 Responses to Urinary Tracks

  1. I loved your descriptions, Van. Now, I can see you (almost) bare ass naked up a tree in winter. I grew up in Wisconsin! Believe me I know! I am still laughing! Ha, ha. Well done!!! ❤

  2. Matt Bowes says:

    Naked in a tree in a snowstorm! That’s quite funny. My wife had a similar experience when we driving up the Sierra Nevadas and she was pregnant and had to pee all the time. We pulled off to the side in one of the chaining areas, and she tromped up the snowbank in my snow boots because her feet were swollen and found a tree behind which to squat.

    We recount the experience every time we drive by the location. Well, *I* recount the experience. My kids love it.

  3. I could not agree more. With a husband and four sons I often have peeing envy.

  4. Amy says:

    haha, that is pretty hilarious.

  5. Erika Kind says:

    Haha… that was a wonderful post. Your honesty is amazing. I love that! Really funny stories and I can so understand that problem. 😀

  6. mandy says:

    I’ve never felt it was fair–this inequality between the sexes. That’s why I know if there is a God, it’s a man. Why doesn’t it surprise me that it’s Linda that put you up to this? Lol! Great post, Van! 😀

  7. Angie Mc says:

    Too funny, Van! With 4 men in my house…OK I’m just thinking that if women could stand to relieve themselves, they wouldn’t miss the target. Are you with me on that? 😀

  8. Oh van, I hear you on this one! Once, I went for an ultra sound 29km from home. As you know, one has to have a full bladder. My neighbor offered to drive me there and back. On the way home, I really had to pee, so he pulled over on the side of the road and ran out of the car, ducked behind some bushes that his view of me and peed…ahhhh relief, right? Well although I was well hidden from his view, I was surprised stupid by a honking car on the highway. Turns out they had a clear view of me. D’oh! ❤
    Diana xo

  9. lbeth1950 says:

    I’ve seen some little little phony stand up and pee things. I wonder how they work?

  10. LaVagabonde says:

    A snowmobile suite in a tree. I commend you, Van. I would have hurt myself for sure. And the Hell’s Angels…sorry I couldn’t help but laugh at the image of your anxious face peeking over the bush. I understand this problem, of course. As a hiker, there’s always the risk of someone coming around the bend and there’s never a big tree when you need one.

    • That bush was the only possibility, and hubby had been gone almost 2 hours. I didn’t care at that point, then I heard the “hogs”. I was 30 when I climbed that tree; muscle memory….ahhh ! ☺

  11. I don’t recall ever being envious of male anatomy, but I’ve had my challenges with roadside relief to be sure. Nothing worse than getting caught. Just smile and wave!

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