Urinary Tracks

Maybe we all have stories like this. Maybe not. I just know that Linda at Nutsrok  has thrown down the challenge, and I reluctantly accept.

Freud’s theory of penis envy is that “female adolescents experience anxiety upon realization that they do not have a penis.”

For me, this happened much sooner. I wanted to pee standing up. Still do.

As children of free-range parents, we were expected to be outside, only to return for meals and bedtime.

Using the bathroom was a challenge for the very few girls in our neighborhood.

The boys would disappear behind a tree, a backyard shed, a spot in the alley. Some homes had stationary tubs or cement drains, providing quick relief just beyond a cellar door. No parent was the wiser.

I had to go inside, to the second floor, passing by an adult; trying to avoid a surprise household chore or questions about my activity. It took too long, was hardly fair, and I noticed.

It did not end in childhood.

Fast forward 20 years. Our VW bus broke down as we were headed to sand dunes in central Utah known as Little Sahara. My husband drove his dirt bike to the nearest town/pay phone, 50 miles back.

I stayed behind with the bus, parked on a desert road with little or no traffic. Some time passed.  I spotted a small piece of sagebrush at the top of a hill and figured it looked like a safe place to seek relief.

At that moment, a parade of 80-100 Hell’s Angels drove by on their way to an event at those same dunes. I ducked behind the shrub, praying to go unnoticed. The tow truck arrived minutes later.

Another memorable event happened a few years later, in a snowstorm, in northern Michigan.

We were with friends on a weekend snowmobile outing. Beers happened.

We had been out on the trails a while when I knew I was in trouble. I lagged behind a bit, seeking privacy.

There was 4-5 ft of snow accumulation on the ground, so that wouldn’t work. I had to climb a tree. I saw the one I needed.

Now, a snowmobile suit is much like those snowsuits that kids wear…one piece, zipped up the middle. The male anatomy would have been so welcome in this situation.

There is no need to picture this scenario further. It happened. Unzipped, in a tree, in a snowstorm. I was much younger and way more flexible.

Life has never been boring, even as regards bodily functions.

I could talk about a few more…but I really need to be excused.

Advertisement