Yesterday was a sad anniversary. It was the day my mother died, April 30.
I felt like driving.
And I did, for hours.
I knew where I’d end up, at my hometown, at her gravesite.
It has been 36 years, but there are still tears. I guess there always will be.
There was much left unsaid between us, and I was her favorite, or at least that is what I was led to believe.
The picture shown was taken at Longwood Gardens on one of the last days I saw her alive.
Our family’s obsession with all things floral goes back a very long way. Longwood Gardens, a 1000 acre masterpiece in Kennett Square, PA, was a favorite destination. ***
Van, Mom, Sis.
I have black and white photos of one of my earliest visits there at age 2.
One year after I created this post, my 200th at the time, I found the image, and thought I’d share it here.
I have no real memory of that time, but I came to understand it was an idyllic age for our young family.
We would go often, in all seasons. It was a Sunday drive that wandered through nameless back roads that were so familiar.
Decades later, we were to return.
My mother was dying. Inoperable bladder cancer. I knew where I wanted to take her.
I was in from Michigan for one of many visits. This one felt different.
She was tired and weak, and didn’t like going out. I convinced her. We needed to go to Longwood, just the two of us.
I pushed her around the park that day in a wheelchair. She made me promise not to take any pictures of her. I complied. Sort of.
She rested on a bench in the conservatory, very near the spot in the black and white photo. I got as far away as I could, and took a shot. She never knew. It’s the last picture of her that I have. I will keep it respectfully private.
The water lily photo, that I framed after her death, is the same image on my WordPress banner.
It is special to me, and I am proud to share it here.
***Note: There are amazing color photos of Longwood Gardens, to be found here:
vanbytheriver 
A very touching post. Thanks for sharing.
I’d been saving this for a while. It seemed like the right time. Thanks, Olga. ❤️
Beautiful post. It actually read like poetry. Think you’ll ever go back again?
What a lovely compliment, George. I have gone back since. A few years ago, I planned a trip there with my daughter, who was in a friend’s wedding nearby. It’s always heart-tugging. ❤️
I wondered if you went back with your children and how it must have felt. Bittersweet.
Exactly. There was no way to really convey the sentiment. My husband and I went there shortly before we got married. He was better able to understand. ❤️
Beautiful 200th post, Van.
Thank you, Nina. It was a special place with so very many memories. ❤️
That is such a beautiful post and very poignant. It is the little things that warm our hearts and what a beautiful way to honor your mom’s memory.
Thanks, Amy. It was 3 decades ago, but the memory is still fresh, the tears are still real. ❤️
A touching post full of tenderness. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for such a thoughtful comment, as always, Diana. ❤️
Van, such a lovely memory of your mother. It touched my heart. My husband had stage 4 bladder cancer and we able to get him a radical surgery that saved his life. I send you hugs today. Your mom would have loved your blog. ❤
So sweet of you to say, Colleen. This was the late 1970’s and it had metastasized beyond hope at the time. She subjected herself to many experimental treatments, which gave her more time, and may have benefited others down the road. ❤️
Van, congratulations on your 200th post, and it’s a beautiful one! Remembering your Mom in the peaceful Longwood surroundings must be heart-warming. Love the water lily image! Hugs! Christine
Dear Christine, I’ve missed you. Thank you for your lovely comment and your constant support. You were there from the beginning and I appreciate you. ❤️
p.s. Back from NYC ??
Thank you, Van! Yes, back and it was an incredible trip from Granddaughter’s ballet performance to many subway rides to NYC sites. Plus imagine the weather, sunny in the 80s. I’ll put a blog together soon! Christine
We will enjoy it !! ☺
A beautiful and touching post.
You write beautifully on such a moving subject. I think the connection between your mother’s gradually deteriorating health and the fragile bloom of the vital flower is profoundly moving. I have yet to visit Longwood Gardens but when I do finally go I shall think of you.
It is so worth the trip, Laura, I’d recommend Spring or Fall given the choice. The heat can be brutal..and there’s a lot of outside walking. With children, Christmas displays are amazing. Thanks for noticing the flower connection. ❤️
That photo and your post here are just beautiful. That’s wonderful that you could go there with her and get that special photo. And congrats on 200 posts! Love reading your words 🙂
Thanks Kelly, it was wonderful, for us both. We had a troubled history, and this was healing. So glad to have met and found your words as well. ❤️
I have a similar situation with my dad…your story inspires me. Thanks for that ❤
It all becomes possible, especially with time. ☺
Touched by your story.
Thanks Vicki, for the read and the comment. Love your blog title; mostly, mine does too. ❤️
I echo all the other comments, which were inspiring to read – this is a truly beautiful and loving post, and I enjoyed every word as well as the gorgeous water lily photo!
Thanks for your kind words, Dyane. Did you know I heard from your mother? She responded to the link I sent about my grandmother. Sweet connection. 💕
Wow! That is so cool! She has never reached out that way before via the blog and she absolutely raved about your post. Thanks for bringing her some happiness; I’l be sure to read it myself this weekend. 🙂 XO
How sweet is that ? I’m honored to have evoked something in her. Please extend her my heartfelt thanks. ❤️
I recognized the lily immediately Van! I really, really respect that you’re keeping the picture of your mom private even though I really, really wish I could see it. What a tender memory – thanks for sharing it. ❤
Diana xo
She had been through a lot, and hated wearing a wig. Always prideful, she didn’t want a record of that time. I understood. Thanks as always, Diane ❤️
Diana…Sorry…lost your final A. 💕
Moved…
Thanks so much. ❤️
A very touching and heart warming post, Van. Memories like this are so wonderful when they are shared. Thank you for sharing the memory of your mum and the special place you two went and visited that day.
It was an honor to share it. Thanks for noticing the significance, Hugh. ❤️
So beautiful. Wonderful memory of your mother, may she rest in peace. I visited Longwood as a young teenager. Love flowers.
It’s an amazing display. All brought to us by the DuPont family, noted for some notoriously not-beautiful things. Maybe their way of compensating a bit. ☺ Thanks, Kitt
I know. Wealth does buy pretty gardens.
Precious. So glad to share in your memories, Van. You took me on my own rabbit trail back to my only visit to Longwood over 20 yrs ago.
Xxx
D.
Of course…I’d forgotten that you were once living in Philly. 💕
I’m impressed you knew that too about me, V. =)
200 posts! Sweet piece. I would have loved taking my mom to Longwood Gardens. Nice way to remember our moms. I’ll think of you next time I go.
It doesn’t surprise me that so many bloggers know of Longwood. Lots of gardeners/dreamers here. Thanks, Catherine 💕
Have a beautiful Sunday. ; )
Thanks, Catherine. It’s a beauty. Hope you enjoy it ! ☺
Van, you have a beautiful way of weaving together the past with the present. I will never look at your banner quite the same way ❤ And congratulations on 200 posts. Well earned!
Thanks, Angie 💕
200 posts…wow, Van. You sure made this one count. I can picture in my mind your last photo of your mother. Even more beautiful and precious than this water lily.
(Sorry I commented so late. I’ve been away from internet for the past few days…)
Ah, Van. I’m so glad you were able to take your mother on that one last visit and managed to also take a photo of her that you can keep with you always.
The water lily photo makes perfect header, and is a wonderful memorial to your mother. Thanks for sending me the link, I somehow managed to miss this post before.
It’s an older one, glad you appreciated it, CM. Thanks for the thoughtful comment. 💖
This is a lovely and touching post! Thanks so much for sharing this with us! xx
Thinking about Mother’s Day. 💖
yes 🙂 x
please participate in my proj for aidan, please
I’ll be checking it out. Thanks. 💖
your welcome and thank you so much
go on the link the put a smile on aidan’s face https://studytoolssite.wordpress.com/2016/04/22/helpaidaneberhardt/
Thank you for sharing. Such a lovely tribute to your mom.
Most welcome, thanks for stopping by to read it. Love your blog title, Camping Wife. 💝
Thank you! It’s a journey that has no end so far. Honestly, we love living in the camper and don’t know if we will ever go back into a home or apartment. Lol
I need to go check out your blog ! ☺
Thank you for checking it out!
Your family…trailblazers ! ☺
Lol, in the travel trailer!!
☺
It takes a lot of courage and love and tenderness to be able to open up an share your precious feelings and memories with the rest of the world.
I wish I could say the tears will go away, they might not.
Over the years I found grief is not a stage, and it doesn’t go away.
Much love to you.
I find that writing about family has led to quite a bit of healing, Sawsan. Thanks for your kind words. 💕
For 10 years I didn’t know where my sons were.
Only writing healed, writing and throwing it out there with the wind.
My sons are with me now.
🙂
Oh, my. I can’t imagine the pain of that kind of separation. So glad you have them now. Blessings to you. 💘
My condolences, it is never easy to lose a loved one, which is why I try to do things with them and take photos… one never know when fate will intervene.
You’re so right, Jeanne. Thank you. ❤️
Take good care of yourself and your memories.
Thank you for sharing these intimate memories with us, Van! You must have been very young and so must your mom have been. It is never easy to say goodbye to a loved one…. even harder perhaps under those circumstances. My sympathy, Van! 💖
She was 53, Erika. A life cut short. She lived 2 years past her prognosis of 3 months. It was a long good-bye, but not any easier. There were 3 young siblings still at home. Thanks 💕
Oh my, for sure much too young and what a responsibility for you next to the loss. I can imagine that although it was a gift on one hand watching someone suffering for so long is such a pain on the other hand. Send you lots of love, Van 💖
It was complicated, for sure. Thanks, Erika. 💔
I cannot even imagine what this all meant for all of you! 💕
A beautiful and touching post. Lovely tribute to your mom. Much love. 💕
Thank you kindly, Bernice. 💘
A tender post. I think you look like her
Thanks, Derrick. A bit of her, no doubt, and quite a lot of my father. 💕
Very touching, and I understand completely. April 30 for you, April 26 for me.
💔 Thanks, Gnome.
Beautiful post, beautiful memories xxx
Thank you, Lisa. 💕
What a heart melting post Van. I can imagine the compelling desire to go there. I doubt the number of years takes away the special place in our hearts for our loved ones, sometimes, I ache badly to see my dad. It will be 3 years this May that he left us.
Thanks for understanding, Jacqueline. 💘 I hadn’t started my own family when she passed, and when I did, I began to see her in a new light.
This is a lovely post, Van, and I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m finding the first six months after my mom’s passing to be oddly…roller coaster-like. I just never know when something will hit me the wrong way, so it makes perfect sense that even 30+ years won’t erase the sadness, maybe just shift it a little. Thinking of you…
We all had a difficult relationship with her, Laura. I wish I had her back, just to tell her I understand her a bit more now, especially after having children of my own. Thanks for your comment. I get the roller coaster ride. Hugs to you as well. 💘
Beautiful! 🙂
Thanks, Joey. 💖
I remembered this post as soon as I started reading it. Wasn’t sure until I saw the comment I made. Beautifully written and such a touching tribute to your mom. I enjoyed it all over again. ❤
It’s only the 2nd post I’ve re-blogged, Kelly. It was on my mind and it seemed like time to bring it back. Thanks. 💕
I assumed it was the first one you re-blogged because I’ve never seen you do that! Definitely worth a second posting! xo
Beautifully written Van. I have learned from my mom that that kind of loss and that feeling of loss never goes away. Her mom passed when she was 13 years old. She is now 84 and she speaks of it like it just happened. A nice rememberance of your mom.
Wow. That is a long time to keep it fresh in one’s memory. So sweet. Thanks for sharing. 💘
Beautiful post. This is mind blowing.
Great post
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A very lovely tribute to your mother. I visited Longwood Gardens years ago with my parents and treasure those photos, also.
It’s a special place, and in every season, Lisa. 💝
oh how special this is – and sending you a hug – in honor of your mom. and I like learning little tidbits about bloggers – like to see how special the water lily is and that you have this framed. side note, I just hung up some water lilies my son painted – well in grade school and it was a very informal Monet workshop he was at – but I found his painting and put it up – with some other art – to celebrate the pretty things in life a bit more.
and your mom’s pretty spirit lives on in you….
favorite or not!
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. 💖
Sad about your mom Longwood gardens was a favorite of mine-love the cacti
It’s my favorite thing from DuPont. ☺
Anniversaries are hard no matter how long ago we lost our loved one. My dad is 29 years this October and I still miss him.
Love the link between your post and Lily banner.
Thanks for stopping by, Tric. I loved your blog. Glad you understand that time doesn’t heal completely. 💘
Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
As mother’s day approaches in the United States many will be reflecting on mother’s who are no longer with us. Mine would be 99 this year and so wanted to hang on for that telegram from the Queen. Here is Van with a wonderful post that brings back memories I am sure for all of us who still have a loving connection from beyond this earth we inhabit.
How sweet is that, waiting for that royal telegram.☺ Thanks, Sally. ❤️
A beautiful tribute to your mom. At my age (72) I can appreciate your sentiment. I still miss my mom and it’s been 43 years, but I want you to know that she knew how much you loved her. Moms know these things, but, we never like to play favorites.
I looked at the photo’s of Longwood, I am sure she visits there often. Happy Mothers Day. :o)
Thank you, Patricia, and I think you are right. I have been back there, and often feel the spirit of her and my grandmother, who shared many visits there. 💕
A truly beautiful post and tribute. I think of my mother practically every day and it’s also been some years since her death. Would love to talk to her…I used to go to the phone to call her and then would remember,
I didn’t have my first child until years after she passed. I missed out on so many important conversations. Thanks for the visit and comment. 💘
I find it odd, now both parents are dead, that I can contextualise them and seemingly understand their idiosyncrasies and idiocies so much better than when they were alive and able to confound my expectations. It remains hard not to have the specific contacts any more, but their advice, given often in the form of my conscience still resonates. Of course I’d love them both back to be awkward and annoying again, rather than let my memory sanitize them. Such a lovely post Van and a bit of a tear jerker.
That’s about it…our memories sanitize them. I’d have loved a relationship without conflict, but does that even exist ? I think the grief may linger when things went unresolved. Thanks for the thoughtful comment, Geoff. 💔
Van, heart-warming post! Remembering my own Mom this weekend too! My sister & I talk about her often! She was a good, traditional Mom! Happy Mother’s Day! 💛 Elizabeth
Thank you Elizabeth. The traditional mom…yes. 💖 Enjoy your weekend.
This is a fantastic tribute to your mother. You’ve made a wonderful final memory you can keep in your pocket, just for you. Connection between a daughter and mother is sooo special. ❤ ❤ ❤
My mom would have been 89 on April 30th.
And you would honor that calendar date for a different reason. Sweet. Thank you, Tess. She would be 90 this year. 💖
Ambiguous relationships are so painful. We always think what might have been. This really touched me.
That’s just about the perfect word…ambiguous. Thanks, Linda. 💘
Thank you for sharing such a touching post. The photo of you, your mom and sister is so sweet as is the memory of your mom’s last visit to the conservatory. Hugs ❤
I’ve done about 400 of these posts now, Stephanae, but there are just a few that are extra special to me. This is one. Thanks for noticing. 💖
You’re very welcome Van. You can also call me Steph 🙂
Okay, then. 💖
🙂
Wow, very moving. Please check out my blog: http://www.onlyafever.wordpress.com
Will do, Raquel. Thanks for the visit. ☺